I can only ever be myself...

I can only ever be myself, which is in itself kind of depressing. That is not to say that I want to be anyone else, but from time to time I am really irritated with myself for making a lot of the choices that have led me to the life I am leading now. I suppose everyone has regrets and I know that the interconnected nature of humanity and life itself in general bares more responsibility for my being what I am than I do, but, while I am fascinated by the randomness of existence, contemplating how all of the billions upon billions of creatures who eventually led to my being born is really not what we're here for. At least not today. No, I think what has me a bit bothered (well maybe not bothered, but certainly curious) today is just the last couple of generations of my own family.



It is probably worth wile to explain a little about my family and just how little I know about them. I have one brother who, as far as I know, is just about as different from me as two people who share the same parents can be. I mean there has to be some reason for that beyond just our few years of separation time wise. I think being the baby of the family had some advantages, less pressure to be any reflection of my parents anyway. But things being what they are that is really just speculation on my part.



Ok, lets get in to that a little. So, I had a somewhat difficult childhood. I don't really know how to classify my psychological problems in a proper way. For as long as I can remember I have always been fucked up in the head, that is if you compare me to a "normal" person. I don't know how my parents figured that out so early, but I guess it must have been pretty obvious to the people around me because they had me medicated and in therapy by the time I was about six years old. I have to give them credit for trying but as I said I can only speculate as to how they knew I was fucked up and why they took the path that they did in dealing with my differences.



I don't know if I am lucky to have had the parents I had and I don't know just how far from normal my behavior was at such a young age, but I must have been hard to deal with at the very least and they must have been pretty cool people to have gone to such great lengths to try to get me help. At least that is how I choose to think of it.



It is worth mentioning to anyone reading this that there is a good reason for all of this guess work as to why I am the way I am and why I know so little about my parents and their thoughts on the subject. I was somewhat young when they died and while that experience did fuck me up even more than I already was it isn't the base reason for my being how I am.... it's just another factor in my development.


Ok, descriptive tangent time... So here is the longer version of that situation. Thanksgiving of 1989. I had already been a pretty well defined mess for years at this point and mom and dad had, to their credit, tried just about anything they could think of to "help" me to be more normal. At least I assume that was the goal. I had started the 10th grade at a military school that fall (dads idea was that the formal structure would be good for me). At first it was, I met some cool friends and I liked learning the regimented and thorough day to day operations of military life. I liked my classes, I liked my teachers and I even liked the uniforms. However, it only took one experience to change all of that. I was in C company, the barracks (sort of like a dorm) where we lived was inspected regularly, at least twice a day, and while I fell in line pretty easily my bunk mate didn't. It was a regular experience for the rest of our company to get in trouble for his inability to keep up with the "very important" daily activities we all were expected to do. Really important shit like shining his shoes, polishing his brass, keeping his bunk made up correctly and making sure his footlocker was in order. Well in the honorable tradition of such a prestigious institution when a cadet fucks up repeatedly not only does he get in trouble but so does his whole company and the upper clansmen reeeeallly don't like that. So what do you do when a cadet can't get his shit together.... you hold is roommate responsible of course. So, I was told in no uncertain terms to make sure he got in line, or it would be my ass. Well, I did try to help him, but lets just say he wasn't cut out for that level of structure. I did try to help him, I showed him how to shine his shoes, I polished his brass I even got him to sleep on top of his sheets so it wouldn't be as hard to make up his bunk in the morning. But it just didn't work. After several failed inspections (which were pretty fucked up... you've seen t.v. shows about prison guards tossing a cell, well it was kind of like that, the inspector would come in throw all of his stuff on the floor, rip the sheets off his bed and berate him for being a fuck up) he was, needless to say, reaching his breaking point. The last straw for me was when the other members of C company who were tired of all the pushups and other silly military punishments (like cleaning garbage cans and marching in circles for hours during what was supposed to be free time) decided to take things into their own hands. By that I mean they decided to give him some motivation. We called it a "ninja party" and it isn't something you do for a ten year olds birthday. If you saw the movie "Full Metal Jacket" when the guys held Private Pyle down and beat the shit out of him or in "A Few Good Men" it referenced a Marine tradition called a "code red", well it's kind of like that. Anyway, word got out in the barracks that it was going to happen and my roommate was fucking terrified to say the least. He took to sleeping under his bunk on the concrete floor in an effort to avoid a beating, but when the other cadets came into our room that night he didn't have a chance. Now don't get me wrong I understand being pissed off at him I just really don't like violence especially when it is my friend who is being violated. So the next day when he starts talking about running away from school I decided to go with him, so did two other boys who had a similar experience a couple of days before. So we came up with a plan, waited till after the "night owl" guard came by on his rounds and we bolted. The problem with our plan (aside from the fact that we were all just kids) was that our school was in north Georgia and the closest place we could run to was my parents house in Roswell which was about 40 miles south and none of us really knew how to get there. We did get out of school and we made it almost to Buford were we decided to stop and sleep for a while. Now you can probably imagine when the people who saw us sleeping in the grass on the side of the road (4 young boys in army fatigues) it wasn't hard for them to figure out where we had come from. The Sheriff picked us up and called the school and we were back inside an hour. We were all expelled from school but being that my Grandpa had passed away earlier that week my parents were in Chicago for his funeral and couldn't pick me up right away so I got to spend the next several days living in the guard house getting the shit beat out of me by the older cadets who manned that post... fun. Anyway my parents came and got me and took me home. My dad was more than pissed, he was disappointed, he had just lost his father and now I had ruined the whole structure is good for me thing on top of it all. So it was back to public school for me. At least for a minute.
Then came Thanksgiving. Aside from my school problem there was the much more complicated issue of my parents marriage and the fact that is was at an end. Mom took me aside and instructed me that Grandma was not to be told about their fighting, I guess to spare her feelings and keep her from worrying. As far as I can remember I think we all knew what was happening and in hindsight I wish so much that they had seen the light sooner, maybe they could have been happier, maybe all of our lives would have been different maybe one of them would have seen my 16th birthday. But I guess none of that matters now. Anyway back to the holiday. My brother came home from college and my Uncle and Grandma came down to visit for the holiday. It was by all accounts a normal Thanksgiving. The next day, Friday obviously, my parents decided to take Uncle Joe and Grandma to the mountains for some sight seeing and shopping in Helen and Dalonega. That night Frank went to see some friends from high school and I think they went to a football game. I on the other hand stayed at the house and a few of my friends came over to hang out. It was a weird night to begin with, my friend Kevin introduced us (myself and my friends Matt and David) to huffing. It was my first time getting high and in the beginning is was fun, the tail end not so much. I had started to come down and had a bad headache when the phone rang. It was some lady asking if Frank Santoro was home and could she speak to him. Naturally I assumed she meant my dad so I told her he was in the mountains shopping. She explained that she was looking for Frank junior which was odd because anyone who knew our family knew that Frank was not Frank junior (different middle names) so I corrected her and explained that he wasn't home either to which she asked if I was Christopher... ok who is this lady and how does she know who we are? She asked if there was anyone there who could drive me to Gainesville because my uncle had been injured in an accident and it was important that I come to North Georgia Regional Hospital as soon as possible. Needless to say I was perplexed, why was my uncle driving the car and why did I need to go to the hospital, surely there were more appropriate people to deal with this sort of thing. But she insisted that I come. So I asked my friends who by this point were also pretty much sobering up if any of them could help me get up there. Kevin called his dad who offered to drive us so I left a note to my brother on the microwave (1989 version of texting) explaining that Uncle Joe had been hurt in an accident and to go to N.G.R.H. right away and we headed to Kevin's house where his dad was waiting for us (I am guessing Kevin's dad had put the pieces together long before we arrived at the hospital) Matt, Kevin and David came along for the ride being that none of us had realized what had happened yet and we spent the whole drive to the hospital speculating about what had happened and why neither mom or dad had bothered to call. I was upset thinking that my dad had been driving poorly and caused the accident and I was angry at him. Ironic. We arrived at the hospital and they immediately brought me in to the room where my uncle was, I asked if he was ok to which he said "just a little banged up" he had been in the back seat and got thrown around a bit, I asked about grandma and he said she was thrown from the car and got cut up and was in surgery, so I asked where mom and dad were and he replied "they're upstairs". Now I like to think that I am not that thick and being that we were on the first floor of a rather large hospital I just assumed he meant they were in some other part of the hospital being treated for their injuries. He gave me instructions to call my cousin Danny and gave me his phone number and said not to worry everything would be ok. I left and went back to the E.R. lobby where Kevin's dad was waiting for me with some other people, a priest a social worker of some sort and a couple of doctors (or maybe administrators or something). They led me into a small room at the back of the lobby and sat me down, Kevin's dad was the last to walk in and he looked at me and said "Chris, there is no easy way to tell you this, so I'm just going to say it, there was a terrible accident tonight and both of your parents were killed". I don't know just how long I sat there but it was a strange feeling, like my vision got all focused I don't know if they kept talking or whatever but the next thing I remember I grabbed the phone book on the little table next to me and looked up the phone number to my brother's friends the Stadlers, I didn't know if he was even still there or not but I knew if he was they would be able to look after him and make sure he was ok. It's funny but that was all I could think of, I was worried that he would need someone and that he would be alone. We were never very close, at least considering that we are brothers, we didn't have a loving caring "brotherly" relationship but seriously all I could think of was where is Frank and what should I do to make sure he is ok.

I went back in to see my uncle and he asked if they had explained what had happened. I said yes but what had happened to mom and dad, how did the accident happen, he said they were headed back to our house after a nice day in the mountains when they were coming around a curve and there was a truck or something coming right at them going the wrong way (that is it was driving in their lane) dad swerved to try and avoid the oncoming vehicle and ended up going off the side of the road, the car turned on its side slid down an embankment and hit a tree which crushed the roof of the car down to the front seats killing mom and dad instantly, the car flipped back onto its tires ejecting Grandma through the rear side window and throwing Joe around in the back seat. The car came to a stop at the bottom of the hill and he managed to crawl out. He realized right away that my parents were dead and he found Grandma face down in a stream, somehow he dragged Grandma all the way back up to the road and he flagged down a passing car who called the police and an ambulance to get them to the the hospital.
He asked if I had spoken to Frankie (all our aunts and uncles and cousins called my brother Frankie... I think he hated it) and I told him about leaving the note on the microwave and that I had called Mr. and Mrs Stadler. I am pretty sure that at this point I was in shock because I don't really remember what happened next, I don't remember how long I was at the hospital I think it was a while but I am not sure. The next thing I remember is being back at my house and my friends remarking on how strange this all was.... anyway, Frank showed up shortly with Mrs. Stadler and Avi and he gave me an uncomfortable hug and said he was going to stay at Avi's house. I don't know how but I ended up going to bed in my room like any night.
The next morning I woke up to something being sprayed in my face. I wasn't sure at first what is was but I soon realized David and Kevin had been going through my parents room and found the can of mace my mom kept in her bedside table. Nice. I guess having been 15 at the time I can't really be mad about it, none of us were exactly known for our good decision making. But seriously what the fuck?? I managed to shake it off in a few minutes and chased them downstairs yelling at them for being dicks. We talked again about how weird all of this was and they asked me what I was going to do, where would I live etc.. I didn't have an answer. It's not like that is the kind of thing people actually think about, at least not kids.
The next several days are a blur of me going through my moms address book calling everyone, like literally everyone. I had the delightful task of telling my entire family and all of my parents friends and work colleagues what had happened over the Thanksgiving holiday, lots of fun. I became like a broken record reciting the story so many times that I could say it in my sleep. It has the effect of desensitizing you to an extent, I felt like a zombie just going through the motions of life pretending all of this horrible shit was normal and maybe the strangest thing about it is that all the people around me didn't notice or at least they didn't say anything to me about it.
We had a memorial service here in Georgia and then flew up to Chicago for the funeral and wake and burial. At this point the grown ups had taken over everything and pretty much ignored anything I had to say about things. I was pissed about that for years, mom had made a point about talking to me less than a year before all this had happened and she was very clear that she never wanted to be buried, she wanted to be cremated and to have her ashes scattered somewhere beautiful. But who the fuck am I? Only her son and probably the only person on earth she would ever talk about that kind of thing with.
End tangent.



The following year fucking sucked, and another two or three after that were not too wonderful either. But I think I will save that for another day.

-Chris




















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Another year has come and gone.....

... and it was a very rough one, but we have managed to keep our heads up and our sanity in tact.
I was reminded yesterday of how the universe does not care if you are prepared when it unloads a shit storm on you but if you remember not to think about it all at once and instead just do the next right thing, you will be OK.
We had plans for our fifth wedding anniversary, our first meeting with a new couples counselor, and a little surprise for Suzy, but things do not always go the way you expect them to.
Suzy's dad had called the night before to ask me to listen to a funny noise his car was making. I could not really tell exactly what the noise was over the phone but I could tell it was some sort of damaged bearing and I advised that he take it in to the repair shop first thing in the morning. He did and while it was a bearing, it was not something small (like a power steering pump or alternator) it was in fact a main engine bearing and on a car with 150k miles you just don't want to spend $5000 to keep it going. So we changed our plans and I dropped Suzy off at a friend's house to get a ride to work and I headed over to meet Jim at the Buick dealer.
To add to the confusion, Jim and Anna's cat Gimmel had a low blood sugar the day before (we think) and was not responding to a glucose injection so she needed to go to the vet to see what was going on. After hours of going from place to place Chris (Suzy's brother) finally got her in to an emergency vet for an exam. Jim and I, now checking out possible replacement cars, are also trying to find out details of the cat's condition and to top it all off Jim's cell phone starts acting up.
So, after we finish up at the dealership and get a bite to eat we head home to search the web for other cars. A short while later we get a call from the vet to find out that Gimmel is really in bad shape (not from the low blood sugar but rather from a host of other problems) unresponsive to light (a sign of a stroke) very low potassium, an irregular heartbeat, and extreme dehydration. I call Suzy and we arrange to pick her up after first stopping off at the Sprint repair center to order Jim a new phone.
Once we all finally get coordinated and meet at the vet the difficult decision is made to have the doctor euthanize Gimmel. We all said our tearful goodbyes (even Suzy's mom Anna via phone) and gave Jim a few minutes alone with the cat. Jim took it all very hard and blamed himself for not taking better care of the cat (which is silly to all of us since she is 19 years old with all kinds of health problems and they have been giving her insulin shots twice a day for years now). Jim was very close to Gimmel and said that out of all the pets they have had over the years she was the only one that was really his pet. We finished saying goodbye and the doctors took her in the back to send her on her way to heaven.
We went back to Jim and Anna's house to regroup and the decision was made that we should all go out to dinner at Provino's in honor of Gimmel and to celebrate Suzy's and my anniversary. After a nice long dinner we headed home and we were sure to give our animals some extra attention that night.
Anyway, with all that has gone on this past year we have managed to survive and we will try to continue to do the next right thing.

Sometimes freedom is hard to measure

But if it is your freedom, the feeling of it alone is enough to satisfy any perceived need or desire to put a value on it. It may seem wrong and I can understand the argument against such a comparison but the only thing I can think of is being released and having your rights reinstated after having served time in prison, or moving to the US after having grown up in a "third world" or Communist country, but then again I don't know what that is like either but that is the best thing I can think of so just use your imagination.
It may seem trite to some, but I have been a slave to medication of one form or another for my entire life. When I was a child it was Ritalin, Dexedrine, Desipramine etc... and later Lexapro, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Effexor and several others. If you have a knowledge of these drugs then I guess you see a connection. Well in my case it started as the disparate attempts of my parents to turn me into my brother or something like that. Not to say that he was perfect or anything, they just didn't expect their second kid to be wired backwards and they didn't know that was what made me so hard for them to relate to. Hell, I didn't even figure that out until just a few years ago,..... I shouldn't say I didn't know that is how I am, but I didn't realize until recently that I don't have to be wired like everyone else. In fact I honestly prefer being the way I am, even if it makes my life more difficult, I would rather life be hard and my experiences rich and meaningful instead of it being easier and my experiences being normal and safe. I do have regrets, lots of them, but my mistakes have made me who I am and learning by trial and error seems to be the only thing that works for me. Hey, at least I am aware of it.
Anyway, the new found freedom is for the first time in almost 30 years I am no longer experiencing my life through the fog of mind altering meds. It took me two months of slowly reducing my dosage (which was the highest I had ever heard of for the medicine I was taking) so as to avoid any nasty side effects, which I have experienced before when one or another doc decided to play guinea pig on me. I had no interest in going through that again. So, here I am almost a month after the last dose, and I feel great. I should just say "I feel", because with many of these drugs the general effect they have on you is to deaden your feelings to the point that you can't feel anything at all. So maybe I am just over excited at being able to feel again, but I am going to enjoy it as long as I can. And I am writing this to remind myself later how much I love to feel, happy, sad, excited, horny, whatever. I almost forgot what it felt like to feel so I want to remember what it felt like to not feel. So here's to freedom, however you get it.

Still alive (for the most part anyway)

I can not even put into words what a completely over the top crazy year 2009 has been so far. I really need to sit down and take time to work these thoughts out of my head, otherwise I think I may end up a clock tower sniper. For now all I can do is pinch myself every now and then to make sure I am alive. It may be long way down, but even through the isolation and confusion I know from experience that I can find the way, even if it means crawling on my hands and knees and feeling around in the dark.

Peter Poppins...

This just made me laugh out loud!!!!


via videosift.com

If at first you don't succeed....♦

try, try again.








I am somewhat let down with the results from the latest ablation procedure on the Monday before Christmas. So far it feels worse than before. I don't know if it is just pain from the procedure or what but it feels more like it is the bones and joints that hurt not the muscle area where the probes were inserted. I am really worried that there is something else wrong that is causing all of these problems but I don't know what it could be. I am still hopeful that it can get better but it just gets harder to keep a positive attitude as time goes on and on. I am afraid that I am going to have to live with this my whole life and that is really a scary thought. It is really depressing to think that I don't have any choice but to be in pain all of the time or be medicated all of the time. It really sucks, and what makes it worse is that the nurses treat you like a drug addict and act like you are exaggerating when it comes to how bad the pain is. I guess I can understand somewhat, since they work in an environment where they run in to that sort of patient all the time, but still that is no excuse to treat everyone like a junkie.
Anyway, here are some pix from the ablation (courtesy of Suz).

For the first time in years...

I have to say I am very happy with the results of the ablation procedure so far! It has been three weeks and the area that was ablated (vertebrae C-4 C-5 & C-6) is completely pain free. I am hopeful that the doc will go the extra mile for me next month and perform the same procedure on the two levels below (vertebrae C-7 & T-1) where he did last month. I am really excited at the prospect of finding joy in my extra curricular activities again. In the last several years I have pretty much given up on all my fun projects, sports and such, that is not to say that I have not tried to do them but it almost always ended up with my neck hurting so much that I would swear to myself that "I will never do that again". When I finally ended up selling my last motorcycle earlier this year I was very distraught. Riding was one of the things that has been a constant in my life, and along with the people that it has brought into my life, motorcycling has helped to form the person I am today.
Having given up on most of the things that made me who I am and loosing much of my natural fun seeking energy, I was introduced to the system of procedures known as "facet blocking and ablation". I was unsure at first but still desperate to regain my life so when my surgeon told me about it I was excited and very interested in giving it a go. I went right away to my physiatrist (his p.a. to be more specific) only to be told that it was not something he would recommend, and that insurance usually didn't cover it. I was very angry at the news but I didn't want to argue about it, I figured that was why I had never heard about it before. At the next visit with my surgeon, I explained what the p.a. had said and he seemed confused, he said it was a common procedure and he didn't know why they would say that. He assured me that he would call the other doc's office and talk to him about it. At my next appointment with the physiatrist I repeated the request for having the facet block and again the p.a. all but ignored me. I decided that the problem here was that I was not actually seeing the real doc so I made a point when scheduling my next appointment to tell the nurse that I needed to actually see the doctor at my next visit not the p.a., she scheduled it for me and off I went. About a week later I finally had my visit with doctor Danyo, I explained that my surgeon recommended the facet block and that his p.a. told me it was not an option for me. He was shocked, he said I was actually a good candidate for the procedure and he agreed that I should have it done. FINALLY! So, on to the long and somewhat painful road that would hopefully lead to a pain free neck!
The first treatment was the facet block, the doc explained that it was basically to be used as a diagnostic tool. The facet block is a series of injections of an anesthetic (such as lidocaine) into the nerve facet where it exits the vertebrae on one side or the other. Since my pain was mostly on the right side they decided to start with that. I came in to the office for my first treatment not sure what to expect but still I was sure it would not be as bad as living with constant pain so I was not too worried. I was brought back to the procedure room and put into a gown, they had me lay on my left side on the table which had a fluoroscope attached to it and a computer screen that showed the inside of my neck. As the doctor inserted the needle he could see his path through the muscle and down to the nerve roots without missing it or going too far. He made several injections and sometimes removed the needle half way and wiggled it around to get to another area. It was very uncomfortable but in the end after injecting all the affected levels I didn't feel anything in those areas. I was very happy, but it was short lived. The pain returned in about an hour (as the anesthetic wore off) and was worse due to all the poking and prodding doctor Danyo had done. Four weeks and a follow up appointment came and went and I was ready to return for the radio frequency ablation. The ablation was supposed to take place on Monday Oct. 13 but they had some sort of problem with the r.f. machine so they asked me to come in on Tuesday instead. I was pretty nervous so I was not to upset. Tuesday came quickly and we were off to the doc's office in the afternoon. When I arrived the nurse gave me a quick dissolving pill that was supposed to help me relax, then it was back to the procedure room but this time they gave me a local anesthetic to make it easier to deal with the pain. The ablation went quickly and I was sent home to relax and recuperate.
So here I am three weeks later and three weeks until my next appointment, and I am very happy with the results so far. Other then my having been sick for a week or so my pain has decreased by about half and may even get better over the next few weeks. So I have to wait to schedule the remaining portion of the ablation until my next visit but hopefully the doc can get it all done within the remaining days of this year (otherwise I will have to pay another deductible) but I know he is not worried about my pocketbook but I do think he has my neck's best interest in mind.
Anyway it looks like for the first time in many years I may have a pain free neck for the New Year!! And maybe you will find me back on two wheels some time soon!

-peace

Three days later...

Well, I had the ablation on Tuesday and it was not as bad as I thought it would be. They gave me a quick acting pill that helps you relax (sort of like a Zanax) and I had kept an ice pack on my neck for an hour before the procedure so it didn't hurt much at all. That afternoon I didn't have much soreness, just a little around the insertion site. The next morning, after the medicine had worn off, I started to really feel the aching and tenderness. Two days and lots of ice and heat packs later I am still pretty sore but I can tell that the pain is different then what I am used to, it is from the sore muscles that were affected by the r.f. probe being pushed through them and not from the actual vertebrae where my fusion is. I am happy that it is feeling better and I know that the muscle pain will subside soon.
I have only one complaint about the whole thing and that is that I specifically told the doc that the pain goes from c-3 all the way down to t-2 (that is from the third cervical (neck) vertebrae down to the second thoracic vertebrae) but he stopped at c-6 instead of going all the way down to t-2. When I had the last appointment before the procedure he said he was going to ablate all the nerves on the right side from c-3 to t-2 but when I went in on Tuesday he said he would only be going down to c-6. I was out of it from the meds and I didn't push the subject, after all he would be sticking things in my neck in a few minutes and the last thing I wanted to do was irritate him. Anyway I am sure there is a good reason for the change and I will find out what that is on the 30th when I have the follow up. For now I will just be grateful for the relief I will have from what has been done so far, and I won't be as worried about having to have another ablation since I know it is not very painful.
-peace ya'll

One more day...

I am not sure if I should be pissed off or happy about it, but, while Suz and I were getting ready to leave the house this afternoon to head out for my appointment my phone rang. It was Dr. Danyo's nurse calling to tell us that they had a problem with the radio frequency machine that is used to perform the ablation and that they would have to cancel my appointment and see if I can come in tomorrow instead. I had really been dreading the procedure so at first I was relieved but then I started to think about it and I got pissed. I always find it interesting how when you have an emergency and have to cancel an appointment they make a point of telling you that you have to pay for the missed appointment, however if they have a schedule conflict or a problem with equipment and they have to cancel your appointment I don't see them offering to waive the charge or give you a discount on your next visit. I know it doesn't matter and it will not change anything I just thought it was interesting. I think when I go in tomorrow for the appointment I was supposed to have today I will tell the Doc I am going to have to bill him for having canceled my procedure. Just to see how he reacts. I have really been psyching myself out about this whole thing just because I have heard that the procedure is pretty uncomfortable (which is probably doctor code for "it is going to hurt"). Now I am just ready to get it over with and get on with the recovery and {fingers crossed} feeling better so I can get back to my life. Anyway, 10:30am tomorrow (baring any mechanical problems) I go in for the r.f. ablation and I am expecting to be very sore for a day or so and back to normal within a week or two.

-peace

The latest thing

Well to me anyway. This past Wed. I had my first ever diagnostic nerve (facet) block. My best description is to say it is a lot like when the dentist gives you Novocaine before he starts drilling and half of your mouth and tongue go numb. To be specific about it the doc applied the Novocaine to 5 targeted areas (he managed to do this with several shots.... sounds nice of him but believe me it wasn't), all on the sides of my neck. This is a picture of what it looks like without the skin, muscle, veins, tendons, throat, etc...
The hope was to determine if I would feel any relief from disabling the nerves in question (in my case the facet nerves on either side of my c3-t1 vertebrae). It worked great and I felt a great sense of relief, even though it didn't last as long as I had hoped (the numb feeling wore off in an hour or so). I guess I misunderstood how this was going to go down, because I was expecting him to give me 12 shots all together 6 on each side of c3, c4, c5, c6 ,c7 and t1, and I was expecting it to last for at least a few days. As I now understand the procedure is not really a treatment, it is only a test to see if we have the correct area that is causing the pain. Not only did I misunderstand how long it would last but I also did not know how much it was going to hurt after the Novocaine wore off. It is Friday morning and the whole right side of my neck is still swollen and tender to the touch and my throat feels sore (probably also from the swelling). Anyway, the nerve block did what it was supposed to do and now I have to return in 2 weeks for a follow up and to schedule the second part of the procedure which is the actual ablation. The ablation is more complicated and takes longer since it requires multiple steps at each injection and it requires that all 12 injections be made separately. I am hoping for a local anesthetic but it is not a deal breaker for me since the short period of numbness I had after the nerve block was the best I have felt in a long time. Anyway wish me luck and cross your fingers in hopes that the ablation works and life can go on pain free from then on!!!
Here is a simple diagram of the ablation (the ablation needles are attached to a microwave emitter that kills the problem nerve)

Pain management

It has been a busy month here at home with a recent death in the family and our own trials to deal with, but we are doing well. I am very excited to finally have an answer to the pain I have dealt with for years now resulting from an injury in my neck back in 1999. My doctor recommended that I speak to my physiatrist about having an ablation procedure done. He said it would be my best bet for some lasting relief, and I am all for that. The pain has been pretty much constant for going on three years or so and even after my surgery in November of 07 I have not had much relief except for from medication which is no way to live your life. I spoke to the other doc and he said it sounded like a very good idea and he would check with the insurance company to see if they would give us any trouble covering the procedure. Skip forward a month and I was back in the physiatrist office with the final decision. He said we would have to do a diagnostic procedure called a facet block which is basically injecting Novocaine directly into the nerve facets that come out from the side of each of my cervical (neck) vertebrae from c3 down to c7 and see how well it works (or if it works at all). If that is successful then we schedule for the more permanent fix called an ablation. This is a more involved procedure that basically consists of inserting a needle into my neck that is connected to a radio frequency emitter (sort of a very small microwave) and cooking the nerves which basically kills them and therefore eliminates their ability to transmit pain signals to my brain. It is a somewhat common procedure but it is said to be quite painful. I am not too worried though as long as it works I am willing to do just about anything at this point!
Hopefully I will be writing again on the 17th to tell all about how great it is not being in pain anymore and finally getting back to my "normal" activities (riding, rolorblading, dancing, playing with the kids and the dogs, etc...)!
Wish me luck!!!
-peace

Just in case anyone was wondering...

Suzy and I have been doing great, working on the house, working on our respective careers, and working on raising our three dogs. We (like most any couple) have had our trials, but lately it seems like all of our work and patience has really begun to pay off. We still have trouble from time to time but the difficult times are becoming more and more infrequent.


She has been working for M.F. Poer and Associates, an accounting and corporate tax company, she has had a bit of trouble adjusting, mostly due to the extremely demanding deadline schedule that they impose. As far as I can tell (from our conversations about it) the problems may have more to do with piss poor management and a general lack of accountability from the company higher ups. I have to give her props though, she is very dedicated and has really come a long way from where she was when she started there last May (2007). At first she was really unsure of herself, just because of all the math and hard deadlines, but I think it may have had more to do with all the catty bitches who were there when she first started. She came home after the first few days of work distraught because they kept saying things like "you aren't going to quit are you?" and "are you still going to come in to work tomorrow?" and always telling her about all the other people who had worked there over the years and how most of them quit after only a few days. I was so pissed, she was dealing with enough stress just trying to learn the job and they were just making it worse. In hind sight it is more likely that they were trying to scare her on purpose just to be mean, they do things like that all the time. It must be like working in a daycare, everyone making things up and telling on each other to try and get each other in trouble. I really hate to hear about it (I mean I really hate it) but I am trying to be a good listener and I know that it is important for Suz to get to vent. I guess it is just in my nature to want to go down there and say something about it but I know that would only make things harder for her. Either way, all I want to do is make it better for her.
As for me, I have been working with Predictix LLC, a computer science and software firm in Atlanta. I really enjoy the job, it is not like anything I have ever done before and I have learned a lot since starting there in February of 2007. I work with some of the most brilliant programmers in Atlanta (or anywhere for that matter). I had a little trouble at first, having to learn a new business, new lingo, and having to relearn the ol' computer skills. But there were a bunch of great people (including my good friend Matt) who were all happy to help me, and they were (usually) patient with me. Now, a year and a half later I can honestly say I could probably help you if your computer was not cooperating with you. One of the fringe benefits is that I have a lot of screen time to work on my own pet projects, oh yeah, and I get the honor of helping out if any family members need any computer related assistance.
Here are a couple of shots of the office>

Pix from out Indy / Chicago trip

Photobucket Album

What a week!!!

We (Suzy and I) just returned from an exciting 10 day trip to Chicago and Indianapolis. We had a lot of goals that we wanted to achieve and with a few small exceptions it feels like a great success!! We departed the Atlanta airport on Friday afternoon (6/7).


With the exception of my having spilled a gas can in the Versa the day before (leaving an awful stink in the car) the trip to the airport went fine, we arrived with plenty of time to print our boarding passes, get through security and grab a snack on the concourse before boarding. It was our first trip since my surgery last November and I definitely felt some major discomfort on the flight (mostly on departure and landing) but it was not too bad.



We had decided to fly in to Milwaukee and rent a car to drive in to Chicago which worked out great, the Milwaukee airport is small and easy to get around in which really made our arrival nice and easy. The rental car allowed us to get around easier and stop for whatever we wanted to, which was great. We stopped in southern Wisconsin to grab a bite since Suz was feeling a little low and the weather was looking pretty bad. It turned out that a huge rain storm was brewing and actually spawned a few tornadoes. We managed to side step the worst of the storm by taking a little time to walk around at a Gander Mtn. store and then grabbing a bite at a steak house right off the highway.



After eating we both felt a lot better and other then the traffic on the Kennedy expressway (ugh!!) we made it Frank and Sarah's with time left over for a little walk in their new neighborhood and a late bite at a little diner around the corner







We had a lot of fun getting to know Zane again, since the last time we had seen him he was a new born. He is really starting to explore and learn, sometimes learning a little too fast.







We had a great time taking Zane to the Morton Arboretum and there are too many great pictures to post here so I will create an album on Photobucket for them!
It was a little on the hot side that day, but it was totally worth it, seeing all the beautiful trees and plants and watching Zane in the children's garden made for a great day! The next day we went to a White Sox game (Z's very first!)



which was a lot of fun once the downpour ended. The Sox handed the Twins a serious ass whooping.

That evening we shared a Thai dinner (including fried meal worms...)






Yes, those are worms in my bro's mouth.



We spent most of the next day on a solo trip to visit my Mom and Dad's graves, which was very emotional for me and for Suzy too. It was her first time meeting them and my first time there in over 10 years. It was a lot harder then I expected to be there again but we both left with a great sense of relief and closeness. That night we decided to head down to Navy Pier for some sight seeing and a bite to eat. It had rained off and on so it was nice and sticky but we had a great time anyway.





On our last day in Chicago we took a little trip out to the Queen of Heaven cemetery and mausoleum to pay a visit to my grandparents, great grandparents and my great aunt Dolly. Suz and I were really impressed by the size of this place. It is absolutely huge and the decorations are really beautiful.



After leaving the cemetery we headed down to the city for a little sight seeing. Suzy got to take her first trip to the top of the Sears Tower which was cool but I guess not as cool as it was when I was 5.




We returned our rental car and Sarah gave us a lift back to their place for our last evening with them. Frank dug up some old documents and records that he had kept which were our dad's and some genealogy records that I had a great time reading through. It was really nice getting to catch up with him and spending time with our nephew.
The next day we packed our bags and headed down to Union Station for our bus ride to Indianapolis which was not as nice as we had hoped but also not as long as we thought it would be.
Arriving in Indy was a huge relief for us both, Suzy's Grandma Nancy is one of the most wonderful human beings I have ever met, just being around her is relaxing and her personality makes you want to be a better person. We had a nice dinner with Nancy and headed to her house to relax and get some sleep.



The next day we met up with Suzy's aunt Heather for breakfast and then went for a visit to the rehab facility where grandpa Russell is recovering from a fall he had at home. He was having a rough morning but seemed to really perk up upon seeing Suzy, I can't say I blame him, she usually has that effect on me too.



We had such a wonderful time visiting grandma Nancy, grandpa Russell, Heather and Eric that we really didn't want to come home. We did a lot there but I will say one thing for sure, we payed a lot of attention to finding shoes for Suzy and me, maybe more then we should, but then we both had a great need for foot comfort!



Grandma Nancy has made a very nice home for them in their condo, she has it decorated to the gills with beautiful artwork, crystals, plants and of course their sweet kitty Molly, who was very happy to have someone to lavish with attention since grandpa has been away for a little while and she usually spends a lot of time with him. Our next visit to grandpa was a lot better since he was much more awake and we brought him some cool headphones so he could listen to his shows on t.v. without bothering his butt head roommate. He was much more talkative and had a great time checking out the picture of little Taylor (our niece/his great granddaughter) that we brought for him.
We tried to visit him often but he gets tired easily so we usually kept it short and sweet. We got to go to the mall near Nancy's house a couple of times and we had lots of great food, but most of all it was the company that made it a great time.



It had to come to an end some time, and we had forgotten that Sunday was fathers day so we decided to try and get on an earlier flight home to spend time with Jim and Chris (Suzy's dad and brother) who were celebrating their first grandfathers day and fathers day respectively. We checked on the Air Tran website and the 6am flight showed to have 22 seats still available so we figured ... cool, no problem... right. Well, no not right, we woke up at 3:45 am we were out the door at 4 and arrived at the airport in 30 minutes, when we got to the front of the line and asked if we could stand by for one of the available seats we were informed that there had been an error in Air Tran website showing and selling (un)available seats and the flight was actually way over sold. The desk agents were trying to shuffle the people who had been over sold on to other flights to get them to their destinations but it did not look good for us. That was not the best thing to hear when you have only had a few hours of sleep and you are aching all over from a long week of running around and sleeping on beds that you are not used to but the agent told us we should come back to the desk at 8 and try to get on the 11:30 flight so we decided to make the best of it and get a cup of coffee and a muffin and take a stroll around the airport. We came back to the ticket desk to find a different agent there who told us that we could pay $25 each and that would allow him to confirm us on the 11:30 flight, we decided that was the way to go and got our passes and headed out to the gate. Three hours passed while we played on the computer and read while sitting at the gate. The gate agents made an announcement asking if anyone wanted to upgrade their tickets to first class for a $50 fee and Suz thought that would be fun so we decided that would, she went up to the gate and asked if we could do that and the gate agent proceeded to tell her that not only could we not upgrade but that he was going to have to refund the $50 we had paid earlier and that we could not get on the flight at all!!!! Needless to say she freaked out, I was sitting close by but did not hear what was going on exactly but I could see that Suz was getting upset so I went over to find out what was going on and the agent immediately copped an attitude with me as if we were trying to sneak on to the plane and somehow it was our fault that the flight was full. I got very upset and explained to the agent that we were told that by paying the $25 per ticket fee, we had been assigned seats, our bags were checked and we were guaranteed to be on that plane! Maybe it was all the other flights and all the other passengers who had been yelling at him all morning, or maybe it was just me but he decided to argue with me and tell me that we were not going to be on that flight. I was livid, deprived of sleep and a little jacked up on caffeine so I let my voice get a little elevated and apparently that pushed the gate agent over the edge. He walked away from me and refused to speak to me at all! I tried to calm down and got on the phone with Air Tran while Suzy tired to talk to one of the other agents that were already almost done boarding the plane by now. Then, after a few minutes on hold the agent suddenly changed his tune and called us over, handed us our passes and nodded over toward the gate. I am not exactly sure what happened but I was just ready to get out of there so we grabbed our things and boarded the plane. It was pretty cool when we were walking down the isle towards our seats other passengers were saying "way to go" and "glad you made it on" I guess there were other folks who were having similar problems that morning. All I can say is I hope Air Tran gets the kinks worked out of their system and can avoid this sort of thing in the future. We finally made it back to Atlanta at about 1pm and by the time our bags got out to the terminal Suzy's mom had just showed up to pick us up. We headed out to their house to reunite with our puppies (we had been suffering some major dog love withdrawal) and relax while waiting for the rest of the family to come over for a little cook out and cake for fathers day. I am going to post the photos of our trip in my Photobucket album for all to see so feel free to go check them out!!

here is a link to photobucket

Taking Great Strides

Well this weekend was the Great Strides fundraiser benefiting the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. The event raised awareness about CF and raised money for research to help make life easier for patients and hopefully to find a cure some day soon. The event seemed to be a huge success, it felt like the crowd was a lot bigger then last year and all around it seemed to be better organized. I had a great time as is usual at these events, I always really enjoy working with Sarah, Susan, Kirsten and all the other folks at the CFF. I have been working for several years with the CFF and the Pickering Foundation which has an annual charity golf tournament in October. I had to skip the golf tournament last year so I was really missing the good times and looking forward to the walk. I have included some links for anyone who is interested in learning more.

Here is a link to some photos!!
http://s195.photobucket.com/albums/z86/C_Santoro/Great%20Strides%2008/